if i die

if i died, maybe i might be missed for a moment...then life continues as normal.
i wonder how many people think that.
And with the suicide rate being @2/week in Japan...i wonder.
everyone there that is looking for an easy, painless way out may have found it.
this is heart breaking. this is also highly disturbing.
sure, the thought passes my mind...but gotta take that bad boy captive!
that's a dangerous thought.
i wish i could say that it's not a powerful thought to the people who think it, but stories and reality would prove me wrong.
yes, life is rough and can be hauntingly sad...
but we have hope!
i could preach to you, but i'd rather you have a powerful encounter of your own.
i wish i could save the world from all the fear, pain and sadness, but it's already been done.
i wish i could bring people to that hope...
i wish i could do it where i am in baltimore, **hanover** and silver spring...wherever!!
**i wish i could bring it back to the underground**

however, knowing that i'm no longer cool and realizing that my life is not too successful - worldly speaking, and seeing how closed and self-preservant/protected-thick-skinned-wall-of-freakin-armor society has become
and the most important of them all
- i can't change anyone - AT ALL...
it's gonna take a bona-fide miracle :)
but you know what?!

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!!!!!!!

Man, i love the internet! and a rant on gas prices, and Daniel McConnell

life can be so much easier with the internet...but it can also make you lazy and a recluse if your not too careful.
however, being that gas prices are soaring like a m*f*rrrrrr......any errand that can be done via the internet is well worth the time u take droning into the glowing screen.
However, i still love hikin' around on the 2 feet i have, while they are still good, and livin' in the city provides plenty of opportunity for it!
i feel really bad for those people that are paying over $100 for a fill up at the gas stations.
maybe that guy dan from 98rock this morning will get a new car donated to him.
and the sound of the 3 cylinder that gets @50 highway epa...oh yeah...will the sacrifice of horsepower matter compared to the hole in the wallet?
from 98 rock this morning, check out
www.danielsbigtrip.blogspot.com
Daniel McConnell
here you go, the blurb taken from 98 rocks site:
Daniel McConnell is a 30-year-old former Army helicopter pilot, who lost his right arm when his Apache Helicopter crashed in Afghanistan.
Daniel just finished his first year of medical school, so he figures it is time for an adventure. He has decided to drive across the country in a
1984 Chevy Suburban with 230,000 miles on it, to meet the people and see the country that he dedicated 11 years of his life protecting.
No agendas. Just a Veteran, his truck, a dog, and the United States.
Daniel stopped by the show on Monday on his way up North.
If you would like to keep track of Daniel's progress, and donate some money to help him with gas and food, click here.

stuck in the 90's?

so, i just found some of my old tapes from high school days.
i watched the 1992 Mtv music awards again...wow. it explains a lot about me, i think.
the other day at work, the guy i may be working with soon said that his jazz station just went off the air...so, what did i listen to on the radio?
i said i usually like 98rock. he goes,"Oh! Your a rocker!"
it never hit me until then, and then watching that videoTAPE...yes, a VHS, made it all that much more clear to me.
later, i found a tape of Pauly Shore, Pearl Jam unplugged, Nirvana, the Cure, and other Greats of the late 80's, 90's.
it's amazing that they were my heros...they were the people who i followed and learned about life from in my teen years. with no dad to help me, they were the next best thing. ugh. not ideal role models, man!
when Mtv actually played music videos and had interviews with rock stars.
no wonder i don't have any cooth or shame.
i'm perplexed about a lot of things lately.
where are these so called "hero's" now?
what's gonna happen to them?
is Kurt Cobain really dead?
i wanted to be a rock star and i set my life to attain that goal. the long haired guys...the mosh pits, the head banging...
Honus isn't even there yet, but he seems like he's real close and he's been jamming a long time...and he can rock the set!
i REALLY wasn't supposed to be a rock star. if Honus hasn't broken through yet...there would have been no hope for me!
a few gigs here, a time to party there...and now...reality and practicality set in even deeper as the next generation starts taking the baton that i've been fumbling with.
however, one thing i know...i lived the rock-n-roll lifestyle for a short blip in time. and they can't take that away from me!
now, i see that my day is over, my time has past. it's time to move on to new pastures.
it's amazing the music that tries to define a generation.
of course, we had all sorts and underground stuff, but the grunge got me...tooth and nail! hehe....dokken - remember that band! hahahahaha....
and then, the rave scene...but that's another story!
i'm getting old and i'm starting to feel old.
sooner or later, i'm going to die~

Something beautiful

So, i've been meaning to blog about this...many things actually, but this first.
the other day as i was walking on my usual route by the water i saw something that really touched me.
on the edge of the water there was this really small boned beautiful blonde girl.
she was there with a young man in a wheel chair. as i walked their way, i saw her taking care of him and just looking like she was really enjoying her time with him. when i passed them, i heard her say,"Oh! Your so cold!" and i heard the sound of a blanket being settled. my first thought was...what a beautiful young lady...she could be with anyone she probably would want to be with, and she seems to be in love with this man who may never be able to ...you know.
what a beautiful young lady outside and, seeming, inside.
seeing them was so touching!
on the way back from my long walk, i saw them just leaving the area where they were enjoying one another.
it was a few hours later.
i wanted to take a picture of them for here, but i didn't know if that would be offensive to them...or, i just didn't know what to think.
all i know is that seeing them really touched me.
i wonder...what happened? has he always been like that, or was he in an accident?
i wanted to know their story.

well...

it is truly offensive to our generation if you take a stand to believe in something so strongly, that it's worth becomes more valuable to you than your own comforts, thoughts, boundaries/or lack of boundaries, strongest feelings and desires.

too good

too smart for me own good....
ugh, me thinx me's gonna hurl!
and i don't even have a college degree....HA HA! Sucka!
i'm sure dat tracka gonna raise an eyebrow shortly!
so, now what?
there's obviously no reason to wait around...but there's nothing in the bowl.
time to wait for dat miracle! i keep hearin 'bout it...comin from here and there...the gentle whisper of my hearts desire...is in the wind again.
don't know where, don't know how, but it's there again.
continuously forced to live by faith.

sad

the saddest thing i saw in France was Sunday morning, bright and early.
As we walked up to wait for the metro, from acrossed the tracks a lady sat, still hunched over in a sleeping position with her stuff to the right and left of her and her long cane on the seat to the left of her. i saw her shaking, but not because she was cold...then, my ears filled me in on the rest of the story. she sat there crying. crying so hard and so loud, not holding back.
what went wrong? what happened? that's all that was going through my mind. what tragedy begot her that she has ended up in this place and in this position? will she pull out? will she be alright? is this all there is for her until she dies?

she

maybe this looks like a gawdy post card

she shimmers every now and then for everyone to see
yet every glance reveals that she is vulnerable and open
everywhere eyes are looking, exploring, lurking
inside, outside, around, over, under, through
she gives all that she has for
our entertainment
our enjoyment
our inspiration
i feel as if i've robbed her after taking from her
us tourists are truly like dirty men taking advantage of innocent beauty
they give all they have and the best of what they got
in exchange for...nothing
the wind blows and the time passes, yet she remains as if in waiting, standing tall and proud.

Paris '08

Just wanted to share some of my favorite pics

This is the crowd of people looking at the Mona Lisa. i love how the people on the right seem to flow out of the painting behind them.

These clouds were awesome!!!

post cardish

same

gotta throw in the tower!

Paris and the rubix mini

So, yet another story from the subway of Paris.
The doors open and in pops this young guy with longish blonde hair holding a rubix cube mini..rather on the beginnings of bohemian lifestyle.
He gently utters a few words to a beautiful young girl sitting on the flip seat and begins twisting and turning the cube quickly. as the train stops and the doors open, the cube spins faster and faster in is hands.
Just as the alarm sounds signaling the closing of the doors, he displays a solved cube and slowly takes a gracious step backwards outside of the train while the doors close right after.
a perfectly timed fantasy of a valiant young man. is he a romantic or just a great showman?!
perhaps i'm the romantic?
it left that haunting feeling deep inside...
these are the moments that make Paris magical for me!

Rant and Rave

A full cart of liquids
(that's the woman that stopped to help me while on her cell) Whoops...this is what happens when wheel bite occurs - check that nasty divet under the cart!! luckily, no cars were coming to run over the liquids that were purchased on someone elses card!!!
the free appetizer
so, this is the rant and rave. this is the 2 slices of CHEESE pizza from Mamma Lucia's in Silver Spring. b/c they do not serve slices of pizza after 5pm, you have to get it to go. As if a whole pizza is any classier that a slice of pizza! COME ON - IT'S PIZZA, FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD! the quality is no better than that wonderful greasy, cheesy boardwalk pizza that you can get for a buck a slice...and it even tastes better that this 2-dollar and fiddy cent pizza (it might have even been more...the merlot was $9, and the final bill came out to 15-n-a lotta change! denying food because of an image you are trying to convey.
OK....zagat rated, i don't care! i'm going to start a service rating! how it tastes and is presented may be one thing to you, since this is america, but service and accomodation will make me a lifetime customer! that's the Egalitarian way! although, in France...you can't have it your way...as experienced from a denial of crepe b/c of the ingredient request of bacon, egg, cheese and nutella. it was about the sweet and salty man!
NOW! ABOUT DUNKIN DONUTS!
ok...so, it's not about their food...once again, it's about the service. i hate being "that" customer that makes the workers cringe when they enter the store. especially service jobs, having done customer service involving food for a number of years in my teens and some 20's, this was a disturbing experience. mostly b/c the girl serving me couldn't pull out of the unhappy situation. she asks what i want, and i tell her ,"2 doz bagels, and 2 dozen donuts".
she then asks me what kind of cream cheese i want and i say,"regular and strawberry." then, i proceed to ask what other flavors there are.
she answers,"we have others."
i ask again,"What other flavors are there?
she goes,"We have 4".
so, it was time to say,"What are they?!" from that point on, i was "THAT" customer. the basic point is, listen closely and respond approriately. if there is a misunderstanding, pull out of it quickly, it's not worth ruining your whole shift over. what makes it worse, is that i showed up at 6:30am, so her shift had probably just gotten started. poor girl. well, she has one more chance to let it go tomorrow morning when i show up again asking for 2 doz bagels and 2 doz donuts! hahaha....
so, between that and the ill-setting pizza denial...and then it was mixed with a lil pms and being slain in the mind to the heart from the prince from another kingdom...tues was a real winner of a day!
however, it was redeemed that night with an incredible encounter with God! it's amazing how crud from the day disappears so suddenly when your with Him! tuesdays craziness and chaos were a great reminder of how broken, sick and needy i am of the perfect love for me!

pondering thought

i work at a good company, but my position and pay are not admirable.
(meaning that i don't have a powerful, respected job/a lot of money)
i haven't done anything to change the course of human kind.
i don't use my brain to work rocket science.
my life is nothing special to most people. i think i even just failed my final in pc repair...
what is all that anyway, but a mere mirage...certainly not anything to be defined by!
Most of my dreams and desires will probably not come true.
yet, i live well. i live rich. my life is full of unspeakable riches!
when i die, i will have peace b/c i lived this one little life well.
moment by moment, decision by decision.

How to get your car towed - crash course in adventure! (it's all about your perspective~)

After a little wine, and a good evening with friends, it's now time to end b/c you realize that you need to get up early the next day. However, coming out to the parking lot knowing that the drive home is about 45 minutes-1hour highway distance - not seeing your car could be a little disturbing!
However, if your gonna get your car towed, this is how to do it! when you are with people that know the ropes and your federal income tax made its grand entrance into your checking account, this is the beginning of a beautiful adventure!!!
1) Johnny knew before we even got to the parking lot that my car was towed
2) The phone number was on the sign
3) the place was @1/2hr away, but still open even though it was late at night!
4) Other wheels and people were available to join in on and assist the adventure!
5) Nicole becomes Arwin, Grace Samwise and i become Frodo.
6) Wonderfully, our friend Fernando lives in Rockville, a couple streets down from the impounding place where Buddy lies. Emmanuel is chillin with him making a video for our party next week.
7) We travel past the sign that tells us how fast we are going, into the road that's made of brick, under the bridge and out pops Fernando and Emanuel!
8) At the car lot, we enter a little room with an older lady and younger guy. i have compassion on this old lady b/c i'm sure she has to deal with some pretty irate people at unfavorable hours of the night. However, we were very happy and in good spirits, laughing and n-joying being together, even under this testy circumstance.
9) i looked over to see Emmanuel standing guard at the window watching closely for the safety of Grace and Nicole! How valiant!
10) i pay the fee and jump back into Nicoles car to follow the guy a block away to "the yard" - pic above.
11) The yard is dark, dingy and muddy from today's showers and behind a gated fence...typical to a movie where everything seems normal until that one turn, or whatever..just a whole new environment!
12) Collect Buddy, drop off the guys, collaborate with Nicole and Grace about who gets to take Grace home, get directions and part ways.
It was like clockwork! What could have been a terrible ending to a wonderful evening, turned out to be a smoothly executed ad-libbed adventure! What a wonderful beginning to more adventures to come in Silver Spring!

The Sock Theory

(still in the making - here is something to chew on for now)
Every sock is looking for its match.
Some are found right away, but others have to wait, always gazing deeply into the pile of clothes waiting for that match to turn up, but always knowing that there is a match somewhere in that pile.
It doesn't matter if it's right side out or inside out, it sits and waits with hope.
As the pile gets smaller and smaller, there's a subtle anxiety that seems to permeate the air.
Thoughts of loss and worry quickly come to surface.
There's always a small chance that a slight jealousy could sneak in when watching the others rejoicing in the beginning when their pairs are found quickly.
Sometimes, doubt may fill the sock and leave it wondering if its match was lost, hence, putting it out of normal commission.
Some wonder if its match is lost, but is filled with joy when the match is fished out from the muck! 
However, there are those that have casualties. Those whom remember the days of running happily with its match, but now know that it will never see it again, or still wonders if it will ever turn up.
Sometimes, they will join up with another sock that looked like its match, or one that is completely different, but it will never be the same.

More ramblings - little annoyances

i stand there waiting for the little separator to be placed before placing my items down on the conveyor belt. the little girl ahead of me is in a daze and her ma/grandma keeps firmly telling her to pay attention, stop fooling around, make yourself useful and help! she used the order separator for a fun intrigue to separate the things she wanted and the cashier is getting confused. she removes it and leaves me hanging again. finally, i took the initiative and grabbed the thing and put it down. as i was returning to my cart from squeezing in between it to grab the section break thingy, the person behind me is trying to take my place in line??? but, i'm not going to argue. i'm not trying to get my butt wacked at a grocery store in the ghetto! hehe...

Randomness Tax deduction American Idol Mcskillet burrito?

So, this is going to be all around random. (the title includes some of today's top searches on xx search engine. go figure! looking for it all - $, food, and entertainment)
1st, Greg doesn't have to go to Iraq! He's getting shipped somewhere in the americas! yeah! i can't remember which state he said, and he will be able to finish his class! YEAH!
2nd...thank God for TDY!
if some happen to return?
let go and trust...lose your life to find it. the time is now. i'm ready. thank God for TDY! thank God for TDY!
who can be defined by life when life offers no definition? it's got to be more, my friend...like i told your buddy - owe baby, baby it's a wild world! be careful out there, bro. if only you could have experienced that guy on the subway in France w/the things i've seen and done as a back thought on top of this brilliant display of expression. that was more than cool!
the doors opened, he jumps on w/an acoustic guitar and starts jamming Cat Stevens "Wild World", belting it out in english! train stops, song ends, he gets out. it was completely surreal! beautifully executed. were we the only people who knew what he was singing?
i should be on the way to Silver Spring, b/c i hate traffic. but 2:00 was just insanely too early for a 7pm meetup. one can only work out for so long before collapsing! and the Count of Monte Cristo is just in a tough spot right now.
yes, i'm still monitoring.
why are you still coming here? me thoughts you would have long forgotten us...we'll see, we'll see. it's all good. gotta see for yourself, hu?
a lot of things that make one go hmmmm.....
ps. i'm 32 now.

Iraq

(pic to come shortly)
The war in Iraq never quite hit me too deeply until now.
In my pc repair class there is this young guy named Greg. At first, he just seemed like a regular young guy with lots of character. the teacher picked on him in a fun way, and he just brought a lot of entertainment to the class...in an amusing way. i first took him for a linux geek, which actually is not a bad thing. it's highly admired, in my eyes. i wanted to know about him, not romantically, but just, as a person, he seemed really interesting. i waited and waited before class, a small chunk of our class sat outside waiting and would talk before the doors opened to our room. it would never be too deep, but i just kept listening and waiting and once in a while would step in and try to spread a little love. then, one day, Greg brought up that he might be drafted again to go to Iraq after he had already served. when i looked at him, he had a serious look that i couldn't ignore and commanded an ear. i acknowledged his comment and he shared stories from Iraq that pretty much broke my heart. the look in his eyes were unexplainable. i don't know him very well, but my heart went out to him in this circumstance. how devastating.
today, in class, he gave me a look as i was walking back to my chair during lab time, but i wasn't sure that he had something to say, so i kept walking...but he commanded my attention and went to the heart of his concern. he told me he had just received the call to report for active duty this friday. how could anything else be anymore important than to hear this young man's heart and see the look of dread and unexplanable emotions when i looked into his eyes.
we all have our flaws, and Greg has his issues, but...what a precious life. i will definitely be praying for this young man. the feelings of helplessness could overwhelm me and make me very sad, but that's why i'm so grateful for prayer...b/c prayer accomplishes what is impossible for us to do. God, keep Your hand on Greg's life and reveal Your love to Him in this time of chaos. Bring Your peace to fill his heart, mind, body and soul. What a precious life, what a precious young man.

Top 10 Driving Phrases with blurb

            

I'd love to hear your thoughts/comments below about something you like to say while driving, or would add to the top 10 list if you could.

10) If your lost, drive like your not!
9) USE YOUR BLINKER, MAN!! or ["Nice turn signal!" said with HEAVY sarcasm] (not using your blinker brings confusion and wastes other peoples time, and yours - but most people don't usually think that far into it while they are driving)
8) Your going to get yourself killed! or, your going to get us killed!!! - for those who are scared, or just driving slow when merging onto major freeways going 20-30mph
7) Pick a lane! (for those who drive in between lanes)
6) STAY IN YOUR LANE! - for those who drift into your lane when you drive by them
5) AHHHH! Open road!! (when there are no cars in front/back of me far as thee i can see)
4) Come in, Buddy, come in! If you have your blinker on and your trying to merge onto the freeway/audubon, keep an eye out on the drivers and car lights/horn...they may be trying to let you in! so, pay attention and be ready to merge!!!!
3) Ya missed it! Ya non-driver! (for the person trying to merge, but not paying attention to the traffic to know whether to gun it, coast or break into the flow of traffic and missing a perfect opportunity)
2) Skinny pedal on the right!
1) GET OFF YOUR CELL PHONE AND DRIVE!!!!! aka. i love you man, but you gotta get off of the road!

***********!!!!!!!DRIVE TO SURVIVE!!!!!!!***********
PAY ATTENTION!
BE ALERT!
BE CONSCIENTIOUS!
THINK AND ADAPT!
STOP USING YOUR CELL PHONE AND DRIVE!!!!
IT'S NOT PERSONAL, EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS AND IT'S MOST LIKELY NOT BECAUSE OF YOU...YOU JUST HAPPEN TO BE THE OBJECT OF SOMEONE'S WRATH AT THE MOMENT WHEN THEY ARE BEHIND THE WHEEL!
LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

Also, don't you just love when you get behind those people driving below the speed limit with their right arm around the passenger seat head rest? Or the person who is digging around in their car while driving, hence, causing their automobile to have eratic speeds and swirving? Upon seeing that, i know there will be a fun time ahead if not in "chill" mode...which happens rarely.
I think we are afraid to look at other people when we are driving now a days b/c of the stories we hear about people that shoot others, taking road rage to a new level.
It's funny that I used to teach driver's ed, and if i didn't think the student was competent enough to drive, i would fail them and they would have to practice more before going for a provisional. My boss, however, was very unhappy about this b/c customers became irate that it wasn't an easy -pass-. Being that these students (unfortunately, it was mainly the older people -60 and above- and foreigners that spoke no english) were going to be driving in my neighborhood, i REALLY didn't want to meet up with them on the road somewhere if they couldn't control the car, even with me helping them.
Just in case you're wondering, those days are over!

High Pitched Scream Tubing - da lovely Jess!

Flip it!

if it's so easy to see what's wrong with people, it's also just as easy to believe the promises of God for them also!
Just flip that function...rewire...it's possible!
ahhh...the smell of my roomates bread from the toaster is wonderful!
there was a hole in the blackness that fell away like a frail piece of ragidy cloth that crumbles like ash. a whole kingdom was on the outside and hands were pulling out and into a wonderful, rich, warm place... who could have imagined that it could be so good that everything from the past was dissolved away in the midst of the beauty and love?